whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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