can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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