I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
