please come you make the beer taste better
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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