I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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