i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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