I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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