All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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