It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Someone signed my nipple.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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