Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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