Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
