Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Sext me about skeletons
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
