I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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