At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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