There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize
