Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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