If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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