you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
i now understand why vodka
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize