He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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