proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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