do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
