I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it