whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
