I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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