Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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