every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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