my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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