She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
