also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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