I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He shit in the fireplace
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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