You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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