I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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