It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
