I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
this hospital has no fireball
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
