it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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