my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
