I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
