I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
