please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
