Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
