just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize