Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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