I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
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suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
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Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?