hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
