I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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