the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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