Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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