Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
