I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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