Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
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I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
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One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher