I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
