My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
