i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
