I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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