Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i love accidental penises.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
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Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
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i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
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