too bad you live with your parents still
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Randomize