If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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